..Bio..

I am made and re-made perpetually of the same substance, yet I am changeful..Calling forth the boundless richness within; I patiently watch myself alter to endless possibilities, I grow, I am.

Majd Radwan

  

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Growing Crazier..

And then you realize, that growing up has nothing to do with living in the mind, with stiff face muscles. It’s all about enjoying your craziness, every bit of it, to dive in your own depth, and develop your intelligence. Growing up; is to be a child once again.

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To Be Or Not To Be- That Is The Answer

By Majd Radwan

  
“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” ~ Franz Kafka

To be or not to be, that is the answer. That is the sole answer life has to give you, every time harsh reality hits you hard in the heart. The choice is always yours, and you’re ‘obliged’ to choose; to surrender or to give up. There is a big difference between the two terms, just like the difference between contentment and complacency. (Find it.)
This is not one of Hamlet’s soliloquies, it has never been a question, at least outside a play, It’s a cliff instead, fly to the haven of new possibilities or fall in the valley of hurt.
Each time you feel abandoned by the whole world, knocked down by unfairness and damaged people that your heart cannot break to smaller pieces anymore..it’s there, the answer_cliff. With time, you’ll get used to cliffs, you’ll have many in your lifetime, and you’ll get to be an expert either in flying or falling, no other way out. 
Life is made up of simple things sophistically combined to shape our stories. Coming to this life armed with colouring books and crayons, along with the sense of wonder_we gradually forget who we are, as the earthy life starts to introduce itself to us. We move on with our lives, keeping_instead of crayons_many coloured masks in our closet, each one for a special occasion. Disguised under the dress of normality, we strive to be a number, in school..in love..in humour..in beauty..and in fame..till this maze called life makes us forget how to draw, till the spark of wonder disappear and our eyes turn to two dull holes. We deliberately learn to tame our soul, blindfold it, seeking winners’ death instead of simply living. what a life!
You were fed since you were born that without money, education, husband/wife, high_level connections you are helpless and invaluable, to the point that you start to believe that you’re an ugly dependent, a consumer totally insecure, a failure on two legs, terrified to stand alone with your own map.
Now look for the big moments. No; not those big moments..not that definition of big moments. I mean the ones you skipped your entire life, your so long-dumped-calling. The moments that concern no one but you, that include no one but you. The moments you were in the perfect alignment with your Self but you were hardly aware of it. 
The moment you feel like a stranger, in the middle of your closest friends and family members. Your need to flee the ordinary and break free from rules and obligations to recharge your balance.
The moment you feel bored, and you try to silence the calling with food, thinking that it’s your stomach’s calling, while it’s your soul’s aching to manifest at some level.
The moment you chock with what you’ve learned so far, that you feel the urge to unlearn everything and start all over again with your own terms this time.
The moment you fall in love with someone’s thoughts, that you want to make love to their mind, wild and severe, and you start to question the everlasting warning stuck in the back of your head since your childhood: “don’t talk to strangers,” which leaves you victoriously entertained with that feeling of “home” with each and every ’stranger’ in this world, convinced that even criminals and politicians have something in common with you.
The moment you wake up to the fact that you’re no longer the person you were yesterday, that you’re an ever changing energy, a change in process. And you like it.
The moment you move your head downward and wish to disappear each time you win, even on a small scale like hitting ‘strike’ in a bowling game, because you’re too humble to act as a winner.
The moment your voice shakes and fails to help you make your point in a restless argument, and you leave the room desperate as ever. You find consolation in your own thoughts.
The moment you question the reason behind the sad look on saints’ faces, and you feel that you deserve to see happy suffer-less saints’ paintings instead.
The moment you notice that the ones who feel everything deeply are always lonely_hearted.
The moment you sit in a cafe and examine people passing by, trying to build a story in your mind for each and every one of them, and you even undress them to imagine them wearing the cloths you think it fits their body shapes better.
The moment you look with stillness in the eyes of whoever is talking to you, and see yourself in there, same hidden desires,and same melancholies in disguise while sitting professionally there, as tranquil as ever, trying to communicate with you in the wrongest way.
It’s your soul constantly trying to communicate with you, but its wave crashes on your shore every time the noise of ‘thinking’ invades you. 
Have you been to such places? were you aware of these moments? The moments of the most intense company; yours! You’ve never been alone, you always had YOU..’YOU’ was always trying to talk to you, to bring your attention to your ultimate companion; your awareness.

 You are seasons of joy and despair, fulfillment and disappointment, laughter and tear, earth and sky, light and dark, let yourself happen. Embrace these qualities and flaws, tragedies and victories, and let life happen. Be.
All these moments were there for a reason..to remind you of who you really are,,that you are much much bigger than your burdens, that such beautiful soul knows your now problems are your future gifts in disguise.
These moments were never a privilege to riches, nor a quality of artists.They happen to exist in each and every human. Sit for 10 minutes with a homeless in the street and he’ll pour his words of wisdom in your ear. These moments connect us all, we insist to swim in shallow waters.
We are terrified by the new ideas, by change. To hide is convenient and safe. To appear is dangerous, but what’s convenient is never satisfying. Glory is never to be found in the safe. Choosing to be a victim may sound comfortable, but be aware that playing the victim you become in a way or another an oppressor. What we hold inside is who we really are, don’t stamp it with shame or ignorance if you haven’t experienced it yet.
To fall is lame, to bend is resistance, and to fly is freedom.
“Do your thing. Do it unapologetically. Don’t be discouraged by criticism. You probably already know what they’re going to say. Pay no mind to the fear of failure. It’s far more valuable than success. Take ownership. Take chances, and have fun. And no matter what, don’t ever stop doing your thing.” ~Asher Roth

You’re A Bud Waiting To Bloom-Get Out Of Your Own Way,

By Majd Radwan

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“One birth has been given to you by your parents. The other birth is waiting. It has to be given to you by yourself. You have to father and mother yourself. Then your whole energy is turning in… it becomes an inner circle.” ~ Osho

I admit, for several years I enjoyed the process of Googling magical solutions to fix my messy life. Reading hundreds of features, testimonies of real people and a generous handful of How-to’s while sitting on my cozy sofa. I did enjoy it way more than pointing out the problem, starting to take action and actively fixing the damaged parts once and for all. I felt satisfied and relieved with the idea that there are too many ways out there to repaint my life, all I had to do next was to pick a date to apply the steps and there it’ll be, a brand new vivid life waving to me, so appealing and tempting with all the wild experiences I’m meant to live once I start, but it never happened. I kept postponing the renovation date till a more convenient tomorrow, and tomorrow never came. “It is easy to sit up and take notice, What is difficult is getting up and taking action.” ~ Honore de Balzac

If you went through this at any stage of your life as I did, then you surely have felt that there was always something wrong, that sooner or later you have to sit down and have a serious private talk with yourself, to try to figure out the reason behind the painful and strange existence of this tiny hole in your soul, the one that keeps knocking, the one that doesn’t agree with the way you numb the purpose of your life with these daily injections of procrastination, and you end up with the easiest way out: blaming it on fear, fear of the unknown, of the pain of change, of the failure, of people’s opinions, of the commitment and the ability of being patient. You know deep in your heart that it is useless, no matter how you try to convince this persistent never-resting soul of yours that it was out of your hand. A soul knows. A soul needs no facts and no conversations with anyone, it won’t extend and fill the gap until you give yourself what you really deserve, and it’ll take over you at one point or another. Only then, when you listen to what your soul is trying to tell you, when you wake up to the fact that you were lying to yourself just to keep up with yesterday, and to make the pain of the present bearable; you start your healing process. You figure out the missing parts of the puzzle. Suddenly the picture becomes clear: your “lack of motivation,” lack of efforts and your numb curiosity have filled the air around you and stopped you from going after your truth. Fear is never the main reason why you’re still potted in the same place, curling up your body professionally on the sole sofa that can endure your long staying, while your bones’ constant friction, this rusty abandoned vehicle of yours tortures your brain.

Look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never ever achieved something you fear. If you’re a mom, little did you know about motherhood, but you for sure had enough information about the unbearable labour pain. You heard about it from your own mother, your sister, your friend, or even from a movie scene that stuck in the back of your mind didn’t you? And it freaked the hell out of you, but you went through it anyway because you had the Motivation. The urge to raise a child of your own blood, to have a family and to be a mother, you did it. Fear didn’t stop you because the motivation was there. Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t experienced fear when you drove a car for the first time, it’s a matter of people’s safety, I mean you might hit someone and seriously hurt him, or even kill him. But you did it, fear didn’t stop you, you achieved it because you had your motivation. Tell me you weren’t afraid when experiencing your first sexual experience, preparing for a job interview, going through dangerous situations to save the ones you love, and the list goes on. You experienced fear, and you got over it with your motivation overwhelming your whole being.

“Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However, everyone will at least know what you stood for — You.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

I’m still sitting on the fence about the whole issue of fulfilling dreams and making a meaning of my life, but I’m on my way. I now deeply believe that if you’re curious enough to dig inside, to make the farthest and yet the closest journey to the Self, you’ll be astonished with the magic of this world that lies within you, waiting for your signal to be and bloom. It was always there since the moment you were born, all you have to do is to dust off the layers of negativity and get out of your own way. Make some decisions and take these tiny baby steps toward your passion. Trigger your creativity and unleash your soul. This tunnel you were afraid to go through for years, step into it, all you’ll find is that it was never a tunnel; it is a gate, a wide one in fact. Nothing can ever hold you from being what you long to be except yourself. Your curious soul craves to manifest in your ultimate truth. Listen. The inspirations and the signs are all around, pay attention. If you simply observe your kids, you get to learn a great deal from them. Notice how actions create reactions and results. Know that you’re a bud about to bloom, a wheat grain that yields nothing but goodness and love.

Don’t you dare to be one of those who walk the paved road instead of carving their own, who swim with the tide and conquer their fears (without even noticing) only in the ordinary stages of life that every numb human being goes through in a way or another (getting married, having children, finishing studies, finding a job…) you’re a lot more than that. When the nudge is there cling to it, don’t sell out and rise to the challenge instead. It’s always too early to quit. Unfold your destiny with too high a spirit to do what your heart aches for. Fear can be beaten with motivation, persistence and effort. If you’re passionate enough about something, fear will fear to get near. Things will start to happen. You shall happen.

“Life is an adventure of passion, risk, danger, laughter, beauty, love; a burning curiosity to go with the action to see what it is all about, to go search for a pattern of meaning, to burn one’s bridge because you’re never going to go back anyway, and to live to the end.” ~ Saul D. Alinsky

Welcoming Myself!

imageHere I am, writing my first post, feeling shy and I just want to run away. But this urge to be connected to the whole world, and to share every single thought that crosses my mind- is holding me back from hiding foolishly. Mistakes may happen, and failure might occur, guess it’s like in every single aspect in our life, to fall and rise again, to try then try harder and succeed.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. All the changes that happened in my life for the last few years have led me here, to this blog, at this very moment, though I still don’t have a clue about the reason yet, but it will show itself at the right moment..that’s one thing I’m sure of.

I haven’t chosen my blog’s name arbitrarily. It is something that has been living with me since forever. I didn’t even think about giving this feeling a name. Didn’t know it even may have one. A lot of our emotions come and go at specific moments, and If we don’t stop and take notice of them they stay in the shadow forever. I used to enjoy those moments of emotional state of being, but never thought about giving them a name, never stopped to realize that what I’m feeling is something so precious that could make me more emotional in fact. Until that day, when I was surfing the Net for a specific reason, and I came across a website called The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, which was created by this sensitive man who believes that there are plenty of human feelings that don’t have names in the dictionary, so he started to create names for these feelings, and “sonder” was one of them. He states: “Sonder, n, The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.” Now that is huge! How come that you live with such a “realization” your entire life, you enjoy it and cherish it with all your heart, but never got to think of it as a case of itself, to search for its name and its source, or to know the reason why you have it in the first place..

To pay attention to what envades your being out of a sudden is a discovery of itself. I’m willing to get to know who I really am, before I know about the outer, this latter will come eventually. The inner journey is a sacred and yet a wild experience of self exploration. The road may be jammed with boulders and question marks, but it will unfold before me as I dare to be.

Majd Radwan

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